10 steps to a nanna nap !

1. Start with an unshakable belief in your own powers as a superwoman. This is best evidenced by setting yourself ridiculously unreachable targets for the week. Set these things in stone. Convince yourself the world will fall down if these things don’t get done.

2. Get angry. With every passing day that the plasterer doesn’t ring and every phone call that you make just to get him to come and look at the bedroom with whopping great gaps in the walls , get a little bit crosser.

3. DO NOT under any circumstances go to bed before midnight for 6 days straight but still get up and head off to work every morning. If you do go to bed before midnight when someone else is dropping your daughter home from the show – be sure to wake up every 40 minutes at first to see if she is home and then all night because your stupid brain can’t figure out that she is home and it is time to turn off.

4. Nominate yourself for worst mother of the year award when your daughter can be greeted by name at the local golden arches franchise after eating there every night since Monday and your attempt at watching your sons first ever member of sporting team touch football match ended in you driving laps around the sports field unable to recognise him.

5. Forget until the night before, that you have to provide the raffle prize for the staffroom on Friday. Regret deeply your voluble whinge recently that went something along the lines of “ oh I hate it when no-one puts any effort in and they just buy another bottle of grog – when it’s my turn I’m going to do something fun”. Devote some time to really truly hating your disgusting holier than thou self before you whip up a sock monkey for the raffle.

6. Convince yourself that your little bit of crafting in the lounge room each night is relaxation and not because your sewing room is so messy you do not have one square inch of space to move in. Concentrate on the mountains of unfinished projects and the bra you did not get decorated for the competition at gym because you thought it was the end of the month and not this week. (by the way – have you started your apron for the challenge???)

7. Drive around the whole town trying to buy white pantyhose on a moments notice – spend your lunch hour doing this – find none- try after work with daughter that has to be in the tights within the hour at the theatre – decide that you should have never ever encouraged any of this poncy theatrical tra-la-laaaaing in the first place and if you ever have any more kids which you never will because you can’t cope with the bloody two you’ve got, that you will train them to be accountants or widget makers and keep them swaddled till they are 18. Find footless tights – buy huge ones and sew the ankles closed to form toes with ten minutes to spare. Do the same for the ones bought for a friend because daughter generously offered to as friends mum was really busy !

8. WORRY – This is an especially important step and it should be adhered to diligently. Worry that Mr Connor , now living in the lounge room due to the gaping great bloody giant holes in his bedroom walls is becoming umbilically attached to the PlayStation machine. He will never see the sun again and become one of those nocturnal teenagers that you occasionally see blinking in the bright light of the supermarket when you have to go there in the middle of the night because you are so disorganised you are baking at 11 pm.

9. WORRY MORE. Believe that the fact you have barely seen your teenage daughter all week means you have lost all contact – Have anxiety dreams about not being able to find her. Worry that the very grown-up sleep over after-show party she is going to tonight will include Satanist rituals and every parental imaginable horror imaginable.

10. Saturday morning – rest day- Pop in to the gym where the way-to-bouncy instructor makes everyone call out the number of times they have worked out this week. Call out “once” through gritted teeth (feel bad about that too) but decide maybe you could have the plasterer use her to bog up one of the wall holes when he finally turns up. A cup of tea with Flower garden and Barking Mad. Flower garden needs to cuddle Mr Ric-Rac as I am snarking along at him and pointing out everything he has done wrong according to the rules set down by me and told to no-one!. Daughter left at 10am for hot chocolate with friends, then matinee, more golden arches, night performance , party !(panic) Finish off four wallets that have been on a promise since Noah built the ark. Eat cold meat cut straight from the leftovers for lunch – who needs a sandwich. Paint tree silhouette on daughters wall– feel not great , paint , feel not great, paint , maybe think vomit type thoughts. Get down of ladder , clean up paint stuff , go to bed …………………………………………………

(insert glorious middle of the afternoon nanna nap here)

Wake up to find Connor happily playing with approved child and no longer umbilically attached to playstation. Mr ric -rac has planned Thai Beef salad for dinner , and a trip to the beach tomorrow for Connor and friend , lots of good sun –filled health there. Phone daughter who happily gives mother all the details of the party and promises to text if there is a whiff of goat sacrificing!

The power of a good Nanna Nap should never ever be underestimated. It has the power to restore your equilibrium, balance your life, heal your woes and address what ails you.